Unless we love and are loved, each of us is alone, each of us is deeply lonely

-Mortimer Alder

Dogs, RL
Well, I was feeling very sorry for myself as I had gotten a truly terrible haircut. Actually the first time I've gotten a "professional" haircut in about 10 years. Sigh, my bangs slant from above one eyebrow to below the other. One side of my my hair is one inch higher than the other and is ragged.

But then....I had to take Rufio in to the vet to get his paw cleaned and stitched up. He's giving me such pitiful looks now.

Today I was thinking I might be genetically incapable of being happy. Then I realized there is an appalling lack of chocolate in my house. Coincidence? I think not.

Late to the Party • Hidden Figures
I'm always late to the party and a couple of steps behind. I finally got to see Hidden Figures Of course I absolutely loved it. I've never been a fan of Kevin Costner, but he played his part so well. Very understated and restrained. Actually, all of the performances were understated and restrained, but all the more powerful because of it. The women were powerful in their dignity and absolute belief in themselves to be able to do their jobs.

I remember only 2 movies I have ever shed a tear at. I bawled (quietly) through the whole thing.
Big Happy Satisfied Smile.

Sleeeeeeeeeeep, Please!
UGH. I got used to staying up really late, so I could "be there" for my teenagers. When I worked it was nights and weekends, or just weekends. So, no problem and this became a 20-year habit. So now it's really hard to get to bed earlier. But dang it! The Rufio has been waking me up at 5- 5:30 lately. 3 hours of sleep is just not enough Damn, dog!

Funny Dog
The Colonel bribed Rufio with turkey pepperoni to get him to take his walkies with him while I was down with my hurty back. That only worked for 2 days before Rufio flat out refused the pepperoni. He was not going tricked into *gasp* abandoning his mommy. Silly dog is not completely stupid. Loyal to a fault, he won't willingly leave me for anything. God help him (and The Colonel) if I die suddenly

Reason #62 for wanting to move sooner rather than later:

I strained my back pretty badly on Wednesday and its actually worse today because I don't know how to just be still when there is work to be done Sigh. Yes, I am an idiot, but The Colonel is only good for so much in the domestic arts and laundry won't do itself. But the little I actually did, I'm in such pain I can't even take my socks off. So yes, I will be humble and sit on my butt tomorrow. Maybe draw a little, definitely find long, plotty McSheps to read.

Getting old sucks.

Meanwhile in Bumblefuck
The combined electrical bill for both houses was $560 last month😵 Granted, the house that is usually empty had son #5 living in it over Christmas vacation, but it is mostly heated by a wood stove, like the cabin. We can pay this, with some fancy shuffling,but geezuz, ouch! Glad it has at least started to warm up. I'll be so glad to sell this stupid place eventually. I can't complain too much, most of the wood this year was free.

The Colonel has been regretting not saving the phone number of the person he bought wood from a couple of years ago on Craig's List. Imagine his embarrassed dismay when he walked up to a neighbor's house to buy wood from *him* and found out that it the same man. I had liked this guy, he'd given us kindling and some potatoes, onions and tomatoes. He had remembered The Colonel. Lol

I would have loved to call The Colonel an idiot, but that is just exactly the kind of thing I would have done.

Family vs Chosen Family & Therapy
Despite my very best efforts, some days are just bad days. Today was a *bad* day. I struggled just to be able to speak and answer The Colonel's questions when he tried to talk to me. He absolutely doesn't understand, but he accepts. It's time to *try* to find a therapist again. I've resisted and resisted, because it is so fuckinghard to get someone competent, and who will take military insurance. Then there is the not small stress of actually getting to appointments, being able to follow a logical progression of things to talk about. There is a ton of shit I need to work through. A really big thing is, of course, family. Since I've been "home" for the last 4 years, the family stuff has been incredibly hard and weird to deal with. I've already decided to completely cut ties with ALLof my brothers. The "ha, ha"part of that is they won't even notice, really. The Colonel has been ready to stop dealing with them for years. I would really like to cut off my mother also, but she is 80+ and lost my dad last March.

I definitely need to concentrate and cultivate my "chosen" family now, which is a very, very small group. The people on Lj, Tumblr and such are an important part of that group.

I don't know why, but my OCD really 'flared up' badly today ::shrugs::
What I wanted to do; draw. What did I do? I cleaned out the kitchen drawers and had everything turned labels forward, Did the same thing to the yogurt in my refrigerator 🙄 , the soup in the cupboard, all the jars and cans and boxes in the pantry. These things kinda make sense, but I also had to get all the light switches in the house going the 'RIGHT' way, organized The Colonel's black socks and other ridiculous things. I fussed at The Colonel when he sat in the 'wrong' spot at dinner and was using 'my' placemat. I certainly wasn't like this when I had kids at home. I'm finding this humorous because it doesn't happen often, but I'm twitchy still and I don't know what's going on. Hopefully I can do a bit of drawing when the husband and I watch a movie.

What passes for excitement now

It got down to about 26 degrees last night in Bumblefuck. I was in bed reading and just about ready to turn off the lights, when they were turned off for me. Yup, we lost power. The wind wasn't appreciatively strong, only about 15-20 miles. But apparently enough to take down a rather large tree just down the street as Rufio and I found out when we took our morning walk (really, Rufio, I'm of the opinion that morning requires sunlight. What's with the 5:30 a.m. Bit?) unfortunately the fire in the wood stove also went out, but that was easily remedied. Still, it's taken forever for the cabin to warm up and I did have 2 concerns. First of all the frackin tree was mostly across the road and who knows how long it would take to get it cleared? We are in a remote location and very few people live on this road. Second, we have well water with an electric pump, of course. No access to water makes me twitchy. Well, fortunately no worries, the tree has been cleared and power restored just a bit ago. *whew*


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